viajando y pensando
desde hace mucho tiempo que quiero viajar a travez del mundo. como por ahora no puedo hacer eso, he decidido viajar por estados unidos la mejor manera que se me ocurre: hitchhiking.
la bondad de las personas en este viaje me ha sorprendido. desde la gente que nos da dinero (aun que todavia no estoy muy agusto con esto), hasta la gente que nos da alojamiento sin habernos conocido antes. Unas cuantas veces nos hemos quedado con amigos pero dormirse afuera sigue siendo lo que yo prefiero (aunque cuando te mojas y hace frio ya no es tan bonito).
aun disfrutando lo que hago me quedan las ganas de hacer mas. de buscar mas. de aprender mas. de ayudar mas. y no esyoy satisfecha con lo que hago, pues deje tantas cosas atras en chicago. es raro tener que irse para ver que parte de lo quiere hacer se quedo en donde ya estaba. lo bueno es que puedo regresar (con que tome las precauciones necesarias para que no me saquen del pais).
un dia en boston fui a un shelter de mujeres y participe en un taller de escritura. Escribi acerca de mi falta de sentido de hogar, aunque mis padres han trabajado tan duro para crearlo. Escribi de la tristesa que me da imaginarme no poder ver a mi familia. llore mientras compartia esa historia. me sorprendi a mi misma al exranarlos tanto. Creo que necesito escribir mas para desahogar mis pensamientos y combatir las cosas horrorosas de nuestras vidas.
con eso proposito escribo ahora. pero no aqui, sino en un libro que traigo conmigo.
las cartas
por casi tres meses te escribi carta tras carta. trasando dibujos, pintando suenos, ilustrando canciones. me imagine momentos en los que nos volveriamos a ver, cuentos que inventariamos, conversaciones que nunca tubimos. solo dos veces me contestaste. y no pude saber si alguna de las dos fue cincera, pues no estabas en el lugar optimo para contestar. quisaz pense que te podria conocer mejor, aunque estuvieras tan lejos, al otrto lado del pais. quisaz pense que podria ayudarte a pasar el tiempo, pues la verdad no se que haces todo el dia ahi. te mande partes del mundo, de mi mundo o de lo poco y mucho que alcanzo a ver.
y de que sirvio decirme que en el futuro hablariamos si ni siquiera me trataste de contactar estando ya afuera. y no se porque me siento sola, y no se por que me siento como que no hago nada, aun que ocupada estoy todo el dia. y no se porque no me quiero ir a dormir, ojala manana sea un dia mas bonito.
on my neck
i’ve got this rash on my neck
and it came out when i went out,
with you.
the skin itches
it gets shiny and red
my nails clutch my shirt.
removing skin that once protected me
but this itching climbs up and down
intensifying crying out what i can’t say.
screaming at the top of it lungs
peeling slowly from shoulder to shoulder,
the water hits with a satisfying scratch
that bath we never took
the sweat entwining the blanket winding,
falling from the uneven mattres
the smell of old cigars- regathered, rebuilt, resmoked
darkness of suken suns
of spiders climbing down our backs
of red paint that looks like blood
the paint of the guitar that ended up on you
and me.
well my neck is not as red as that
not at bright and solid.
it just itches
and reminds me of you.
june 20, 08
oye ven, porque no voy a gritar hasta alla.
no quiero comunicarme contigo a gritos.
pero no te acerques tanto como para tener que susurrar,
no quiero quedar callada.
quiero hablar con tonos que suban y bajen
moviendo mis manos sin temer chocar,
brincando dando vueltas por la calle
hasta marearme y caer en la banqueta.
caer en la banqueta y caer junto a ti.
pero caigo y no hay nadie mas que yo,
y me pregunto si las cosas que pense no teniamos que hablar,
pues supuse que estabamos de acuerdo,
eran las cuales debiamos haber discutido.
y al escribirlo suena tan logico.
pero al vivirlo, tan confuso.
y no hablo de nuestra relacion, pues esa no tenia definicion
hablo de como te sentias tu viviendo aqui
las dificultades con las que te topaste
que yo no podia resolver,
pues sola no cambio la ley ni las sentencias
ni paro a los policias de detenerte.
ni te puedo dar trabajo, ni comida de largo plazo.
y a veces ni mi tiempo.
lo lamento pero mi educacion va ahora por delante
y creo que lo supite.
Pero bueno, ya te fuiste
y no hay nada mas que hacer.
un poco sobre mi muerte
being happy today
toads jumping all the way
where r we going, they say
but i sure don’t know
i just wanna go
and hop
and get wet
have fun hang out work with the people i’ve met
sets roots in the air
to get blown away
by my own wind
by my own mind
my coffin’s not lined
with velvet or dead bird’s feathers
it has dirt and worms and roots and seeds
and mud and water
and no sleeves
when i’m done i’ll be rotten through and through
que tal tu?
An apology
so listen, i kept meaning to tell you, but i never quite got around to doing so i’m sorry about the time we all went home together. I’m sorry that i did not ask, that i presupposed that it was fine. I kinda thought you were leading me on but that justifies nothing. I wanted to talk about it afterwards, but you looked uncomfortable so i did not bring it up. I wanted all of us to listen to music and talk. But that did not happen, and then we leaned on each other. This may all kind of seem like it’s coming out of nowhere. I should have asked if you wanted to kiss, i thought you gave me some kind of signal i have a way of rushing things and so far it hasn’t worked at all. I’m backing off of that. I thought it was okay. Kissing was not such a big deal . . . unless you don’t want it to happen.
That had not happened to me yet, but once it did i realized how awful it makes you feel. You don’t want to hurt the person and it’s hard to break away, they were your friends. But once it happens you feel so disgusted. Anyway i did.
I keep reflecting on how my actions affect others and why i do what i do.
I did not have a healthy model as to how to show that you like someone, or how to start the conversation. There is a whole context to this having to do with gender roles, both having internalized them and trying to reject them. Like not waiting so the guy makes the first move. Now i’ve seen that the way i handled the situation was based on assumptions and stereotypes, as well as potentially hurtful dating practices like not asking before you kiss someone.
It’s pretty screwed up.
I’m really sorry i had to learn this way because i feel that i hurt you, and i actually hurt myself through these same practices.
I don’t expect anything from you.
The reason why i’m telling you this is because i want you to know that it’s not okay to not ask. That if you don’t want to do something you don’t have to, even if girls think you want to. Your body is not here as a resource for others, it is a living being and your wishes and desires should be respected. You can use it as you please and you can change your mind about anything at any time and don’t have to go through with anything. I recommend you watch a film called “tough guise.” And that if you ever need to talk to someone there are resources you can call. 311 is a good one because they can refer you to hot-lines and stuff. This is kind of what i have learned in the past couple of months and i wanted to share that with you. That’s all.
te fuiste
sometimes i wish we could have talked about all the stuff in our lives that made us take the decisions we did. i know i had plenty of things to say. but i was waiting. i was waiting for things to be less complicated. i was waiting for the situations to change so that there were only two of us, since a relationships between two people is really what i have examples of. i did not know how to do three. sorry. really.
i would have said hey i told him. i told him that i like you too. i never told him that i kissed you but he probably figured that out. you did both live in the same house. i would have said look i don’t care who you go out with because i like our friendship as it is. i would have said that i did not want you as property of mine. that i find that creepy. i was not looking for much other than your company. having fun. walking around and dancing all night talking playing guitar. i would have said a lot of things. but i was waiting.
it’s not like i don’t make mistakes, but i wish you would have said good bye. i mean, come on, we had started to open up to each other and i was ok with whatever you were willing to do – to be. but maybe you did not even know.
i keep giving myself reasons for why you left the way you did. and i guess i get it. i mean no job, police harassment, no id, nothing to do but drink and smoke, plus whatever drama other people bring to your life. dam. i might have left too. but maybe these are things i tell myself to not be angry. i’m not mad. i don’t want to be. but i still casually swear under my breath at you as i think, dam we would have had so much fun doing this together. but you left.
sometimes it’s like something i dreamt. it was beautiful, made me feel beautiful. and i woke up one day and all that was left was that screw from your guitar, and the words you’d say to assure me everything is all right. i find myself repeating them constantly in situations i would normally go dam, what now. it’s all right. it’s all right. and it is. but i still look out the window in case you return, thinking that if you’re there i’m going to turn around and just walk away.
i guess i’ll see you but we won’t meet eye to eye. this is my way of saying bye.
favorite places…
douglas park- on marshall blvd. in between roosevelt and 16th street, there is a small space with ponds and weeping willows. there are also flower beds. the park had been getting fixed up and a lot of families make use of it in the summer time to play sports and just hang out.
frida blue skies studio- 3008 S. avers. this is the home of a family who are all around artists. there are art programs held there for kids and it is just a beautiful placed filled with art work.
Yolot-Atecocoli – 2005 S. Blue Island is also a place with art classes. they have a gallery space in which they hold events, anythings from live music to visual art. they also lend out the space when someone wants to put something together. for example the electronic music festival was held there. it’s quite the awesome place.
cafe mestizo, on 18th near paulina. this is a coffee shop. their hot choccolate is awesome. what’s really cool is that they have a gallery space and different art work circulates through there, as well as different projects, like the one about pilsen and gentrification. they have held many events there and i would recomend stopping by.
the neo futurists- these are a group of people who write/perform/produce theatre. they have a really awesome set of plays (30 plays in 60 minutes) and going to see them is always a fun experience. the plays are inspiring and fun to watch. i would highly recomend going to see them, but it is first come first serve so get there early, and bring cash. their website is http://www.neofuturists.org/
well, this one got removed but we will have a new space soon… Arte y Realidad is an art collective in Little Village. we provide free art classes as a way bring the community together, sharing our skills and knowledge with the community. you can look us up on myspace. our e-mail is arteyrealidad@hotmail.com
well, that is all i have. i hope you check these places out, because they are fun and play an important role in shaping their communites.
eden’s blog
i really enjoyed looking at eden’s blog because of the interesting things she wrote about. like the guy with the traveling art bus and the red bull exhibit. i wish i’d found out about this stuff earlier to acctually go to these things. i’ll be on the look out for them in the future.
her blog is also interesting to look at, with pictures and different colors for the type. presentation is important because in this case it welcomes the person viewing the blog.
yay for usability!!!and design!! and eden!!!
illinois and louisiana
the reports from governing.com (from the magazine ‘governing’) rating the performance of states in a variety of areas was interesting to read.
for one thing it was amusing to find out that when the state offered a retierment package/incentive more people took it than was expected. giving way for new people and, according to the report, a chance to restructure public management.
someting that came up for both louisiana and illinois was the lack of information on maintenance of things like roads and buildings. i remember hearing about a bridge collapsing and people getting more worried about the physical conditions of roads and bridges. i guess that rings true for the report since the states have not been doing maintenace very well.
it seems that louisiana has a better way to tract and asses information than illinois. that’s good, but i wonder about what both states are doing to help out people who’s jobs and opportunities are seriosly curtailed through a variety of factors.
i bring that up because of the healthcare struggle for single payer that has increased in recent months. also becasue the article mentions that louisiana has more people living in poverty than most other states but the treasury is growing fast due to oil prices.
something of unequal distribution comes to mind . . .
