hilos

so listen, i kept meaning to tell you, but i never quite got around to doing so i’m sorry about the time we all went home together. I’m sorry that i did not ask, that i presupposed that it was fine. I kinda thought you were leading me on but that justifies nothing. I wanted to talk about it afterwards, but you looked uncomfortable so i did not bring it up. I wanted all of us to listen to music and talk. But that did not happen, and then we leaned on each other. This may all kind of seem like it’s coming out of nowhere. I should have asked if you wanted to kiss, i thought you gave me some kind of signal i have a way of rushing things and so far it hasn’t worked at all. I’m backing off of that. I thought it was okay. Kissing was not such a big deal . . . unless you don’t want it to happen.

That had not happened to me yet, but once it did i realized how awful it makes you feel. You don’t want to hurt the person and it’s hard to break away, they were your friends. But once it happens you feel so disgusted. Anyway i did.

I keep reflecting on how my actions affect others and why i do what i do.

I did not have a healthy model as to how to show that you like someone, or how to start the conversation. There is a whole context to this having to do with gender roles, both having internalized them and trying to reject them. Like not waiting so the guy makes the first move. Now i’ve seen that the way i handled the situation was based on assumptions and stereotypes, as well as potentially hurtful dating practices like not asking before you kiss someone.

It’s pretty screwed up.

I’m really sorry i had to learn this way because i feel that i hurt you, and i actually hurt myself through these same practices.

I don’t expect anything from you.

The reason why i’m telling you this is because i want you to know that it’s not okay to not ask. That if you don’t want to do something you don’t have to, even if girls think you want to. Your body is not here as a resource for others, it is a living being and your wishes and desires should be respected. You can use it as you please and you can change your mind about anything at any time and don’t have to go through with anything. I recommend you watch a film called “tough guise.” And that if you ever need to talk to someone there are resources you can call. 311 is a good one because they can refer you to hot-lines and stuff. This is kind of what i have learned in the past couple of months and i wanted to share that with you. That’s all.

sometimes i wish we could have talked about all the stuff in our lives that made us take the decisions we did. i know i had plenty of things to say. but i was waiting. i was waiting for things to be less complicated. i was waiting for the situations to change so that there were only two of us, since a relationships between two people is really what i have examples of. i did not know how to do three. sorry. really.

i would have said hey i told him. i told him that i like you too. i never told him that i kissed you but he probably figured that out. you did both live in the same house. i would have said look i don’t care who you go out with because i like our friendship as it is. i would have said that i did not want you as property of mine. that i find that creepy. i was not looking for much other than your company. having fun. walking around and dancing all night talking playing guitar. i would have said a lot of things. but i was waiting.

it’s not like i don’t make mistakes, but i wish you would have said good bye. i mean, come on, we had started to open up to each other and i was ok with whatever you were willing to do – to be. but maybe you did not even know.

i keep giving myself reasons for why you left the way you did. and i guess i get it. i mean no job, police harassment, no id, nothing to do but drink and smoke, plus whatever drama other people bring to your life. dam. i might have left too. but maybe these are things i tell myself to not be angry. i’m not mad. i don’t want to be. but i still casually swear under my breath at you as i think, dam we would have had so much fun doing this together. but you left.

sometimes it’s like something i dreamt. it was beautiful, made me feel beautiful. and i woke up one day and all that was left was that screw from your guitar, and the words you’d say to assure me everything is all right. i find myself repeating them constantly in situations i would normally go dam, what now. it’s all right. it’s all right. and it is. but i still look out the window in case you return, thinking that if you’re there i’m going to turn around and just walk away.

i guess i’ll see you but we won’t meet eye to eye. this is my way of saying bye.