hilos

sometimes i wish we could have talked about all the stuff in our lives that made us take the decisions we did. i know i had plenty of things to say. but i was waiting. i was waiting for things to be less complicated. i was waiting for the situations to change so that there were only two of us, since a relationships between two people is really what i have examples of. i did not know how to do three. sorry. really.

i would have said hey i told him. i told him that i like you too. i never told him that i kissed you but he probably figured that out. you did both live in the same house. i would have said look i don’t care who you go out with because i like our friendship as it is. i would have said that i did not want you as property of mine. that i find that creepy. i was not looking for much other than your company. having fun. walking around and dancing all night talking playing guitar. i would have said a lot of things. but i was waiting.

it’s not like i don’t make mistakes, but i wish you would have said good bye. i mean, come on, we had started to open up to each other and i was ok with whatever you were willing to do – to be. but maybe you did not even know.

i keep giving myself reasons for why you left the way you did. and i guess i get it. i mean no job, police harassment, no id, nothing to do but drink and smoke, plus whatever drama other people bring to your life. dam. i might have left too. but maybe these are things i tell myself to not be angry. i’m not mad. i don’t want to be. but i still casually swear under my breath at you as i think, dam we would have had so much fun doing this together. but you left.

sometimes it’s like something i dreamt. it was beautiful, made me feel beautiful. and i woke up one day and all that was left was that screw from your guitar, and the words you’d say to assure me everything is all right. i find myself repeating them constantly in situations i would normally go dam, what now. it’s all right. it’s all right. and it is. but i still look out the window in case you return, thinking that if you’re there i’m going to turn around and just walk away.

i guess i’ll see you but we won’t meet eye to eye. this is my way of saying bye.