Pense que me queria quedar, hay cosas que tengo que hacer aqui. Pero sigo esperando irme y pues pasan los dias y busco y busco pero cuando encuentro no tomo los riesgos necesarios. Por que? Porque estoy esperando.

The thing is, if i’m invested in this, what we have, i should probably stay. And i am invested. But i am invested in my life in the future as well, and sometimes i can see you both in and not in it. And that scares me.  La pregunta que he estado tratando de contestar es how can i be the best that i can at helping my community and my family? How can i be the best now but also prepare for the future? Y a veces estas ahi y a veces no. Tu ya lo sabes, pero creo que cada vez que tratamos de decirlo no puedo contener la tristesa.

ya no estas en mi mente de la misma manera, pero te sigo apreciando por la confianza que me diste cuando la necesite.

My answer went as follows:

Every undocumented person should be given a path to citizenship. If we are talking about caring for our neighbors and communities then you have to recognize that undocumented immigrants are part of every facet of society (whether we’ve been here for a day or 17 years). We’re not strangers, in fact, we might be your classmate, or co worker, or the person that smiles at you on the bus. We pay taxes. We volunteer at events. We tutor kids in our community. We laugh. We learn. We fall in love with people and places (We also make mistakes of course) and we will fight to stay with the people we love. Crossing the border is an act of love. It is not easy or fun. Being undocumented is frustrating, specially when all you want to do is be given a chance to work for the benefit of our families and communities (which includes neighborhoods, states, the whole US and i like to include the world and its ecosystems). But we are not given that chance. We are fighting to have that chance, and to shape a society for the better of everyone that lives in it, citizens and non citizens alike. So we will fight for it. And we won’t leave. I love you (you who i have not met, and you who i have) too much to leave.

I think i only write to you because i know you won’t see it. Because i know i am writing to a fictional you, someone i made up from your likeness but that only exists in my head. That makes communication easier in a way, since i only have to negotiate with my own thoughts.

If you had stayed, i don’t think we’d get along anymore.

Instead, i used my history of crying when onions are cooked in the house to cover up the tears that have been in my eyes all day.

I kept them at bay, not wanting to let them out, but by the time i walked to the kitchen it was too late.

One tear came out.

My mom asked what’s  wrong and i blamed the onion.

I blamed it all through dinner until i got to the bathroom and let go the tears i had no willpower to hold anymore.

I don’t know why i’m sad, but i am glad the onions have become my allies.

mayo 9, 2010

I’ve been looking for a place to go to, somewhere that might offer me more and make the separation from my family easier to bear. But i look for hours, on line, through books, through old saved documents, and i find nothing.

Nothing can compare to my family. Ever. But i still want to go. And so i cry because i know i’m about to make a decision that will break me into small pieces no matter what i choose. If i stay i’ll die a little, and slowly. And if a leave the separation will really hurt. But it can heal (or so i hope). So i choose to leave. But not until i’m done here.

Not until i’ve made it clear that this country is hurting many people. That it’s kicking out those that could really help change things for the better of everyone. That i’m not leaving with my arms empty and that i am coming back; with more knowledge, more resources, more life. I’m coming back and i’m changing everything. You’ll see, or better yet, join me.

maybe i’m just feeling this way because i can’t leave te house, but this is a feeling i have had many times before in reference to staying in this country. I need to get out.

I need to grow, and i feel the weight of the law on the shoulders of my community. Luckily i have not felt it yet, but there’s always that looming possiblity that i could be next. That i could get stopped. That i could get deported.

my friends have not been so lucky. Though they have not been forcefully removed, they have been forced to choose between continuig the lives they made here and seeing their parents for the first time in over 16 years. They chose their parents and left, knowing that coming back is not a viable option.

I miss them. And i feel stuck.  I want to re-imagine the way society works, but i get stuck in figuring out transitions from where we are now to where i’d like us all to be. When i go somewhere new, things seem to fall better into place. Not all societies are as isolationist as this one, gender is constructed differently. Conceptions of self dont rely on the individual. I need this break from where i am and i can’t get to it.

i’ll find a way. i have to, because otherwise i’ll drown. i can hold out a couple more months  and figure out how to use where i am to my advantage, but i can’t hold out forever. I won’t hold out forever.

I am done waiting.  I’m ready to scream.

1. act more like family, with (almost) everyone
2. Be more intentional. In everything, including intentionally being unintentional
3. be messy

We should act more like a family. By this i mean that we should care about each other and even though we may disagree on certain things we are still in this world together and are part of communities and societies that affect each other. We can disagree, but when it comes to standing up for each other and coming to each other’s side then we need to leave our disagreements aside and come together. We can be and should continue to be critical of each other, but we cannot forget to care because no one is going to look out for us but us. This position was reinforced by my travels this summer and my visit/stay at the HOME co-op in main.

Be more intentional in everything i do. The way i talk, what i say, how i relate to people, how i build community. I think if i revise/re-analize my thoughts i can come with more clarity of what i want and what i can do to make things better for all, people, animals, plants and planet. Also, being intentional about flexibility and analyzing things as they come my way. This position came out of traveling and also some more recent experiences in building community.

Be messy. At least, don’t be afraid to be messy. From what i have seen life is messy. To be afraid of this means shutting my self off to many possibilities on the premise these might not work or might not come out exactly the way i want. If i shut my self off i will never get anything done. I will never take chances and experience the surprises that come from putting my self, actions and ideas to the world, or the beautifulness of eating fruit that smears with each bite, or rolling on the grass into unknown ground.  This thought was propelled by my friend edy.

creo que la razon por la cual me es dificil sentirme en casa es porque vivo en un pais que me ha hecho muy claro que no nos quiere ni nos aprecia. Se que algunos diran que eso no es cierto de todos los estadounidenses, lo cual es absolutamente cierto, pero la frustracion de ver como son implementadas las medidas en contra de los inmigrantes (con y sin documentos) por las autoridades es verdaderamente asqueroso.

Como es posible que le nieges a alguien su derecho de vivir en donce quieran? particularmente en el lugar donde han crecido, hecho amigos, construido sus vidas? somos mienbros de la comunidad tanto como cualquier nacido aqui.  Despues de todo seguimos siendo seres vivientes de este mundo.

Entonces cuando veo que a mi amigo, que ha vivido aqui desde que tenia 6, ahora de 21, se le ha negado el derecho de quedarse en donde el escoja simplemente porque le faltan unos cunatos papeles, eso me hace enojar.

Lo que este gobierno no entiende, ni los anti inmigrantes, es que la juventud no es solo el futuro sino el presente, y la juventud sin documentos, con sus aliados con documentos, ya ha tenido suficiente. Estamos artos de las deportaciones y de no poder ir a las escuelas que queramos porque nos faltan unos numeros.  De no poder viajar y tener las experiencias que todo educador acuerda son buenas formas de aprender, como study abroad, por falta de la identificacion requerida. De no poder ver a nuestras familias y tener parientes a quien ni hemos visto porque nacieron despues de que nos fuimos. Estamos artos de tener miedo de las deportaciones y de las violaciones de nuestros derechos como humanos.

Si tu tambies estas arto, por favor ve este link para decirle a ICE que no deporten a mi amigo, Rigo. Su salida se supone que es para el 16 de diciembre. Porfavor, hazlo

http://icirr.e-actionmax.com/takeaction.asp?aaid=184#

lo peor es que aqui somos una familia de cuatro, alla eramos mas de treinta, y siguen creciendo. sin mi. y yo sin ellos. solo son sombras en las historia de mis padres. imaganes borrosas. recuerdos rotos.

pero no estoy sola. he construido una familia mas real que la que comparte mi apellido. esta familia tambien se multiplica. nos apoyamos. compartimos noches en la playa, y conversaciones serias mezcladas con canciones, cerveza, chistes, e historias de como llegamos aqui. acercandonos cada vez mas. pero alejandonos tambien, pues las nesidades de nuestras familias de nacimiento nos llevan de un lado para el otro.

pero para mi la familia que construi y a la cual naci no son tan diferentes. son la misma. y mi amor por los que la constituyen crece cada dia.